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[08 Jul 2007|12:51pm] |
So right now I'm pretty like fed up with being stuck between two people. One keeps messing things up for them, the other doesn't know how to let go. To me they are both my best friends but they both need to grow some courage or something. I'm sick of being between the two of them and trying to help them out honestly it's all bullshit one acts like a damn whore and the other I'm just not exactly sure what he wants with her I don't understand at all she has hurt him over and over and he hasn't taken the hint he deserves better and he does.
On another note my friend and his girlfriend are having a baby. I'm not exactly excited about this more shocked because they are both young and I'm not sure that it would be the right time for them to have it. If it's a girl though they plan on using my name in the name. Still not happy more shocked. What is the world coming to these days?
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[03 Jul 2007|11:09am] |
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Lot's of new things going on. How people change so much in one year or even a few months. Ive come a long way since last year. I graduated and for that I'm proud of myself and then now August 20th I'll step my first foot in on college which Im sure wont be easy by no means but I know Im going to love it. And by the end of that journey I will be able to call myself a professional artist and photographer. And also have my certificate for Spanish interpreting. Im proud of myself.
There is actually a lot going on in my mind right now. Like how its be almost a month since graduation and it still hasnt hit me that I will actually miss seeing almost everyones face at school and that I might not see it again. Im glad Jessica is going to the same college as me and Pizazz too.
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[24 Dec 2006|05:44pm] |
My nephew got in a car accident and I just feel horrible because the poor boy just got his car for his birthday and I swear that it meant more to him then anything in this world. He has put so much time and money into making it his and the way he wanted it. He had just got is home from the shop and had just gotten it washed like 30 seconds before litterally he was pulling out of the car wash itself. And a saturn plowed into it totallying it. So I think the famliy is going to try and get together the money to fix it because it meant a lot to him.
I mean he spent everyweekend Saturday morning washing his car not skipping one weekend. We have to do something you know.
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[21 Sep 2006|05:02pm] |
I may not be in the best of moods right now but actually Im really happy. It doesnt make sense or anything but I am happy but not in the moment if you understand. Ugh I need to see my best friends Billy and Erica soon or im going to go out of my mind. I miss my long talks with Billy that we havent been able to have in like 2 weeks actually it doesnt seem that long cause we text everyday but still we havent had a good conversation in a while really it saddens me cause thats how me and him get out emotions out and things. I really need that its been too long holding things inside me cause we I let them go I dont know whats going to happen.
I have a new wonderful boyfriend Matt he is so sweet and special. i finally think I have found a good guy meet this guy Kyle at school he moved from Wisconsin not too long ago he is really nice him and his brothers Doug is pretty cool too. I talk to them a lot.
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[08 Sep 2006|07:19pm] |
The lies you tell.
The smiles you put on.
I dont believe for a second.
Thats why your not my friend.
You try and hurt me and you think
Im stupid and dont know what your doing.
But truth is Im ammune to your bullshit.
So waste your time on someone else.
I have my best friends I dont need you.
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[05 Sep 2006|07:48pm] |
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Today was okay Im happy. Im just in a bleh mood like Im dazed hahah and I dont really know why. I think its because I have been thinking a lot more lately about everything. About things only one person and dear friend of mine knows. Everyone has secrets, yes we do. What if we made them all into one book each anonymously written. How many times do you think any one of yours would repeat atleast once? I believe atleast 5 times. People are simliar in a lot of ways. We just choose to trust the ones we do and disagree with the ones we do. I dont put myself out there a lot with people around me no where as much as I should call me shy but whatever thats me. But I have found a person to share my secrets with. He amazes me beyond anything. He keeps me guessing but never just leaving me there forever to hang on that thought he shares his secrets with me too. Oh how do I wonder whats supposed to become of this and whats it going to be like in the future in the near or far off furture its so confusing. But I know he makes me wait worth the time it takes. Im crazy yes I know but guess what I dont care.
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[04 Sep 2006|10:25am] |
Im happy my two best friends are coming over today and I plan on today being the best day of my life so far. I love them both to death. I got to see Ashley again she came down for her birthday we surprised her it was great.
Nothing really new to update on oh we had a bomb threat at school that was well entertaining I was hoping to get through my senior year without one but thats didnt work oh well. It was fine and kinda fun I mean 1800 students in one gym no air condition and nothing really to entertain them besides themselves it was interesting to say the least.
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[28 Aug 2006|04:29pm] |
Im single agian.
Oh well school just started.
I have a lot of work to do already.
Oh and my dad stole 60 bucks from me wtf.
Idk Im not happy right now.
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[07 Aug 2006|04:25pm] |
Things have gotten better.
Waylon makes me happy.
Remember when things keep getting
worse eventually they will have to
get better.
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[06 Aug 2006|03:19pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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Things keep getting worse.
And worse.
I will end up hating half of the world.
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[05 Aug 2006|03:31pm] |
Here lately the idea of running away sounds really
tempting wonder how far I will get with it?
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[04 Aug 2006|03:30pm] |
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mood |
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I hate people they digust me. I hate how people can just lie like
its nothing and it hurts the people they lie to so bad but then they dont even give shit about it. Im pretty much done forever Im in the mood to end everything right now. What reason would I have to not? People do things just to hurt me and try and make me jealous and try and hurt me and try and get me down.
I dont believe in love.
I wont believe in love ever again.
I dont believe in fate.
I wont believe in fate ever again.
I dont believe in crushes.
I dont believe everyone has someone.
I dont believe in anyones perfect.
I dont believe in good.
Evil pretty much rules all.
I only one guy good to me.
I cant have him.
He wouldnt have me if he could.
So yea.
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| Pushing Me Over The Edge |
[01 Aug 2006|05:18pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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I have very few true friends. I have only met one guy who ever passed my mind as being a good person that ws and still is Robbie he still is yet the only guy I trust. The rest like to hurt me and use me. I swear Im done with all of this guys wanting and not knowing what the fuck they want. My crushes are pointless even the ones who say they have them back COUGHJEFFCOUGH dont mean it so I dont see the point. Sometimes Id like for someone to sneak in my house at night and fucking blow my brains out with a gun and then cut me open and devour my heart thats how bad I hurt sometimes. Its really rather pathetic.
I have two best friends Kara and Erica end of story. What qualifies them more then anyone else they tell me whats wrong I tell them whats wrong we can bitch and complain to each other and its okay. They care about me enough to see me sometimes and most other people dont.
Today has been nothing but frustration fucking liars and people who ignore others its horrible how people are these days. Yesterday was great I went ang hung out with Erica it was great we go her car fixed and went to the mall and I carried her bags while she spent 200 dollars which is perfect fine cause Id do that for a best friend. Then we went and got Alexoxo out in Kernersville he doesnt live too far from Creations to be exact. But yea hung out and went to the Hanes Mall for like a few minutes and then we went to the park haha it was great we took adorable pictures of Alexoxo playing around on the swings and stuff haha he is like a little kid and spazzy as fuck but yea. Yesterday was good I didnt have to deal with anyone when I was gone. Eric is still mad at me well whatever I dont care really. Randy told me my ex boyfriend Joey was bisexual and Im like eh okay it makes sence now. But yea thats all for now.
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| Things |
[31 Jul 2006|11:22am] |
I think I have done something wrong and I dont know what or why and or anything but Im worried. Ive never had a best friend much really to be honest not one I talked to about everything and all. But I guess I have ruiend my chances?
Things just keep getting worse and worse for me as days go by.
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| I Am Thinking Too Much |
[30 Jul 2006|12:50pm] |
So yea last night and today some major thoughts have been going through my head about everything love, friendship, what has happened what may happen in the future. So Im recieving all this college information from all these places giving me scholarships and college bonds to go to their college and most of the places are far away from here but nothing appeals to me Im not sure I want to leave everyone I know and everything for four years to some place where I dont know anyone. I well now technically have about half a year if that not even that to figure out what I want to do right now Im leaning towards dont leave I dont know even what I want to major in anymore. My mom wont let me major in my passion its not a stable profession and I dont feel like Im good enough to do anything else I feel I will fail at it.
I feel like I fail at a lot of things being the amazing best friend I wish I could be Ive always wanted to be. Being the amazing daughter but I always seem to fuck that up to I mean my mom complains everyday about everything I do whether its for her or other people I supposedly never do it right. My dad we wont get into that now. An amazing girlfriend that for I have failed at far worse then anything else I mean I have had one guy tell me he loved me that I felt at anytime that he meant it and I feel I ahve lost him I mean I always seem to mess things up with guys. Its like all of them are bad for me or Im not good enough for them or all they want is sex and for the fact I feel like Id have to give up my virginity just to stay or to please any guy these days thats all they worry about. I just want something worthwhile I dont feel like any guy is worth waiting for anymore not one damn person is worth waiting on anymore.
Its crazy my feelings have been really rollercoaster lately happy sad happy sad but mostly sad I mean to be honest being around Erica and at shows around a few other of my friends have been about the only times I have been really happy all summer. I have had a few breakdowns I dont feel like I should be like this and the fact its horrible for me to be thinking Id give up something so precious to me my virginity just to be with someone I should never in my life have to feel like that.
My brother had a sweet moment the other day he bought me a toy model car its pretty its a 71 Chevelle Super Sport Id die if that was my real car. But yea I think its cause I caught him wacking off haha and he doesnt want me to tell anyone.
But yea I feel displaced, out of place, replaced lately.
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| Good Times and Bad |
[29 Jul 2006|06:19pm] |
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music |
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Cute Is What We Aim For |
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So last night I went to the show with Erica times with Erica are always amazing. I got to see Garrett, Kara, Alexoxo, and a couple people I havent seen in awhile it was great while it was short. Erica didnt feel well which was okay so we left. But the adventure didnt end there lol. We went to the grocery store might I add we went the wrong way about 5 times before we got there lol. But yea then we went in a got Olives, A1 Steak Sauce, Orange Slice Candy, and a Coka Cola haha what a good mix right. But yea then we drove to my house and it starts lightining we were screaming and carrying on while she was driving 20 miles an hour text messaging and driving in those winding roads to my house which is in the middle of bum fuck. But yea the storm was crazy so it looked like we were in a horror movie or a video game driving through crazy ass woods on winding roads and corn feilds. Yea then we stopped at some Salvage place for cars man those things look creepy all beat up when its dark. Yea then is looked like th lightining strikes were coming from the back of my house.
Yea it was fun. Today I went to the Flea Market in Phafftown for what I have no clue something for my brother we ended up going to Sam's Club and the Cingular store getting my dad a phone. Yea Im getting a pink razor phone sometime soon :]
But anyways I have the most amazing best friend Id do anything for her and I did something that hurt her and Im going to make up for it in anyway I possibly can. I well about bought her a new septum ring today but I didnt have enough money. I still have her birthday card I made for her.
Um yea boys are boys I have a crush on someone I know I shouldnt its really bad a crush is definatly called a crush for a reason and well yea. I just wish I could stop that. Crushing you know. I feel cofident when Im around him and Im like care free its kinda scary too cause he is well known only a few people know who I am talking about but lets keep it under raps mk?
Boys I want one but yea definatly dont need one.
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| Something A Little More Worthwhile |
[28 Jul 2006|11:23am] |
Wonder how come to me summer is a drag nothing to do. No-one special to see it's a stay at home everyday type thing and just spill my heart out into nothing and cleaning and nothing again. In my mind I dont know anything right now Im confused or something I know nothing about I long for someone who I know more about then I know myself. Things have been crazy here lately I recently made a new best friend and dear God thank you I do not know what I would do without her she is amazing we get along and we have tons in common and what we dont we help each other out with. Like as soon as we started talking and get indepth about things she has ceased to amaze me. Like it just intrigues me on how strong of a person she is she may not see it but I do she wouldnt be here if she wasnt so strong. She has been through so much in such a small amount of time I hope things get better for her and she finds that one thing she needs. I will always be here to help her.
But lately yea at home for me has been some problems. My dad has been acting up with the drugs again its not safe I dont believe this time cause he did try and hit me. And you know me Im not afraid of hit back I have gotten in his face many a times when he hits my brother and it had stopped for awhile but he keeps getting fucked up and shit and its like starting to worry me. I mean he has been doing better he has a job now doing stuff he used to when I was little making pools and crap. So like yea.
So its been who knows since Joey broke up with me I cried that day for real for hours but I honestly thought about it I love the guy he is a good friend of mine why should I spend time grieving over our relationship when we can further it as friends? So yea I saw him at the show the other night and it wasnt akward at all and Im so happy for that. Little does he know Im not sure what being over a person is and I really dont know if I will get over him I really care about him more then most people. He had the ability to make me so comfortable around him that nothing else mattered and that I was all smiles. But I guess all good things have to end sometime. Id rather have expierenced love and have it taken away from me like that and hurt then not have expierenced it at all and wonder what it is like.
So I went to the show at The Soundvent the other night it was practically amazing it made me miss the people seeing them again and realizing how much of a real addiction shows really are I had missed seeing Emilee, Alexa, Amber, Hunter, Isaac, Tyler, Mike, Justin, and Josh it was crazy it had been months since I had seen them last it was crazy. No matter how hot and sweaty it was in there it was a great atmosphere it made me realize I need to feed my addiction. Like it smelt like sweat, BO, balls, beer, cigs, and mens body spray up in there which together isnt very pleasant but that was still a part of the whole feel of the brotherhood and sisterhood. I got to finally meet Chanda, Christen, Brian, Randy, Jessie, Tay, Buddy, and Dara. It was great.
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| Searching For Something |
[23 Apr 2006|04:45pm] |
So lately I know I have been searching for things in possibly all the wrong places I have lost touch with some old friends and gained some friendships with new people.
I am looking for an indepth realtionship now I am tired of the immature crap that come along with high school Im much too mature for this wonder why I am still here. I have met this wonderful person slightly older he is smart, responsible, intellectual, fun, and attractive. Me and him connect on so many levels. We have made this new frienship which I hope to become more than but not sure of that anytime soon. He is getting over a certain person. Who in the end betrayed his trust. Im ready for a realtionship and Im ready to have a good one so Im looking for someone not just anyone though.
Ive made friends with Ryan, Brooke, and Miranda who have taught me so much latly about trust and the importantce of being there for each other. It has made me realize that not everyone I claim to be my friend will claim the same about me. I am sadly still in love with my best friend. I have slowly and sadly stopped talking to him as much. Maybe it is best to leave it at that.
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| My Time To Shine |
[07 Feb 2006|05:44pm] |
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Things lately have been more of a rollercoaster ride then anything Im happy and Im sad Im happy and Im sad. It never ends I want for just a while to be happy and be satisfied with the life I have. Many thigns have happened with people lately that I dont agree with. I have learned to stop being so nice to people who dont deserve me being nice to them so from now on Im being the bitch you should know me as not the nice girl that never gets mad at people. I am learned the people who treat me that way are not worth my time. So if you ignore me when I really care if you talk shit behind my back I will find out and it will be the worst nightmare you could ever have. Im not letting things go until I see you and show you how the fuck it is. I wont hold how I feel back and dont be too surpirsed if I dont hold my fist back either it might fly a few times.
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| Vague Ambitions |
[30 Jan 2006|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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So Shayna, Alexius, Brittney and I have decided to start a band we all have poetry we can turn into likely songs. We have a name the subject line if that is not obvious.
I have a boyfriend Garrett he is so sweet and nice Im glad I met him even though I havent talked to him long in a few days which is rather sad. I like him and I liked talking to him and when we talk a lot it is fun but now it seems he brother spends more time hanging the phone up on me then I actually spend talking to Garrett on the phone.
I find it difficult this semester I dont really have any best friends in any of my classes. I need atleast a few to talk to or see during the day but I dont really have any that I can tell everything to.
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